Friday, April 24, 2009

I Want To...

This happened a couple of weeks back..

It was a very boring Saturday afternoon when the whole class had decided to miss the the college day function. Different groups spread apart in different directions. Me, Gitu, Abhishek, Praseela and Nisha to name a few had decided to jump down the trench. Leader of the MBA bunk-maro committee was me! I was the chosen one, thanks to my experience of escaping from college via the un-trodden path a week back.. So, the gang decided to follow me!

While standing near the parking lot waiting for the rest of them to arrive; Me, Gitu and Abhishek were having this extremely random conversation.. I want to.. 
What's the big deal you may ask.. But what follwoed the very line was really though provoking..

MBA is a course which can get really frustrating sometimes. Especially, when you do it from a college like mine. People here try to give you the best of both worlds which can be really taxing and can leave you in a Brain Fuel Exhausted state.
There are moments when the course is real fun; some case studies can really set you thinking. While some others like finance case which leave you in a hazy state. Then there is Mr.Anna University whose paper correction panel is brought down straight from mars.

This week was particularly freaky. The internals were the worst in all our lives and we were looking into this tunnel with no light at the end. Everybody's frustration has a threshold level. Ours was spilling out. What are we doing down here in the middle of nowhere is a discussion we guys have almost every other day. 

The point of discussion was: I want to.. You can fill it up with as many words as you want. 

Gitu: I want to run away to space... Bizarre as it may seem..
You'd die in shock when you read the next.
Abhishek: Buy a bike and  go to ladakh! Get married to a mongolian chick, rear goats, and cricket team of chinki kids! How amazing is this!?

You may probably think what the fuck!. The problem is all of us are screwed in our brains. 
ppts overflowing with information, articles to be read, cases to be sovled, there is sleep deprivation. Another is a sinking feeling which most of us wake up with.. A bewildered state.. 
Most of us can't figure out the real purpose of an MBA, or infact anything happening around us. The worst of all is the pressure to perform. Be recognised in a class, bag the best pay packet.

At one end of the spectrum there are people like the three of us counting our days waiting for the bell to ring, at the other you have people who are super clueless.. Life doesn't seem to be good enough. 

People ask me what's wrong with me and I have no answer what-so-ever. Some tell me the charm is missing, some the glitter in my eye. All I know is, I am feeling f-ed up. F-ed up with the people, the place and with life in itself..

All this at the cost of missing out on being me.

I want to... Want to sleep.. Disconnect from this world, get invisible.. Go on a vacation.. I don't want to be spot here.. I want to escape the whole routine.. Miss the assignments, the cases, the classes.. In fact every damn thing around me..
There are times when I just don't feel like waking up, all I want to do is curl up under the sheets and forget all about life.. 
Give me a day when I just be me.. Plain undiluted simple me. Am tired of being a fake. Fake smiling, appreciating. I want a day when I can tell people on their face that they're plain boring and that am fed up with their antics. I want to be ME. Am sick and tired of the acting game. Tired of keeping my guard on all the time..  I want to speak my mind.. I want to let go.. I am going deaf thanks to the advice and opinion of others. Everybody other than me seems to have a say about me. Its MY Goddamned life for God's sake. I want a life which is my own and nobody elses. 

Timeout! Seriously timeout!.. All I want to do is: be happy, be content, live a life of my own and show my middle finger to anybody who dares to interfere!


abhi said...

rear "horses" not

Satya said... goats in Ladakh..only sheep.
And factual correction..u cant go to Ladakh and marry a mongolian!! :O

Sandhya said...

@ Aviseak- It's a cost cutting measure :P
@ Satya.. Abbe, it was HIS idea not MINE :D

Vedha said...

hayo hayo... thank god im not planning to do an mba. is supri watchin this!?

and i really liked the ladakh idea best! cheers to abhishek, whoever u r

munchkin said...

ah now we need to be cautious! :-| :D

dont mess arnd with sandy ;)

I want to " read till my life ends and travel till all the places gets exhausted" :)

Extra-Ordinarily Ordinary said...

LOL! I have always wanted to have an option to have a rewind button in life. There are places where if you go back with your current knowledge and experience you might do somethint else. But unfortunately that will result in a time-event mismatch and all the nonsense... but i just wish!!