Sunday, June 19, 2011

Biz Jargons


I read this article on" Classic Indian-English Terms" a couple of days back. Inspired by the article, I decided to jot down “Jargons” used by the junta at work.  This coincides with completing One year and 3 weeks of working. *YaaaaY*

During this tenure; I’ve attending boring meetings, client calls which call for more work, workshops for team building and lots more that I can’t remember right now. Apart from all this, I’ve learnt one very important thing – never mention work in any of the posts and don’t describe what you do at work. Well, what I learnt at work can be another post.

Without much ado, let’s welcome the corporate terms!

  1. Action Items – Simply means “tasks” that have to be completed. People make it sound like some ground breaking Gene-Therapy Concept.
  2. Across the Board – No it has nothing to do with board games. It means – let’s have a meeting.
  3. Benchmark – Damn! The last time I remember benchmarking was in school when the teacher asked me to get out for making too much noise. I had asked a friend to reserve a place for me on the bench. That was benchmarking.
  4. Best Practices – logically, there can be nothing called a Best Practice. Okay, if you do have a best practice, then why isn’t it universally followed? I think there can be something called a Better Practice, but never a best.
  5. Bring to the table – if you give me a day’s notice, then I can bring Carrot Halwa. But if you inform me at 6 in the morning, then it’s going to be “thenga potta carrot curry”.
  6. Business Need –Dear boss, You should be knowing that. Don’t ask me “what” the business needs.
  7. C-Level – In the beginning I thought it was  a grade. I’ve always detested C grades, because my Math and Drawing teachers marked me C all the time. But the Corp world tells me; C-Level execs are the ones at the top of the ladder.
  8. Competitive advantage – Something that only you can do better than the others. Yeah! I can eat chocolates day in and day out.
  9. Core competencies – That’s more like your DNA. Only that, here you can modify them.
  10. Deep Dive – literally means, dig deeper and deeper until you’ve reached rock bottom and lost your brains in the process.
  11. Deliverable or Delivery – my mom laughs at me every time I tell her I have a delivery today.
  12. Delivery Schedule –Usually its 9 months, sometimes its 8. I don’t know what you Business guys are talking about.
  13. Drill-down – basically it’s thinking philosophically. Like; savouring a chocolate bar and thinking “where the hell did the cocoa beans come from!”
  14. Engagement Models – This term gets me rolling all the time. Engagement models; next in line is delivery model.
  15. Face-time – The only term I know that starts with face is facebook and I know I spend too much time on it.
  16. Focus Group – I thought this was a magic troupe. Later figured out they are a bunch of guys working on something “strategic”.
  17. Forward looking – Thinking way too ahead of time.
  18. Gaining an Edge – More like jumping over buildings?
  19. Good-To-Go – usually uttered when your senior has had enough looking at your “deliverable”. He / she dismisses it by saying “good-to-go”.
  20. Going Forward – Moving ahead or in the future. Damn these business terms!
  21. Granular – finer details. I want you to drill down the details to the levels of granularity. *poda*
  22. Heads-up – You’d want your brother to give you a heads up when his friends are coming; because you don't want to be caught in shorts and t-shirts.
  23. High Level – has nothing to do with getting *high*. It just means – from a higher up perspective.
  24. Informed decisions – nobody is silly enough to jump into a well without precautions. Decisions are always taken when you are well informed.
  25. Itemise – more like an action item. But this is the first step before identifying action items.
  26. Keep Me in the Loop – not the dancing hoops. Your boss simply means “keep me in informed”.
  27. Jog your memory – I cannot convince myself to jog every morning, why would I strain my memory?
  28. Key takeaway – McD or Dominos? I really wish they gave me they keys; I’d spend my entire life surviving on French fries and cheese burst pizza.
  29. Leverage – More like – use your brains silly.
  30. Life-Cycle – they use this for products, projects, deliveries and everything under the sun. I’m reminded of A Butterfly’s lifecycle.
  31. Limitations – a nicer way of say “this is all you get”
  32. Low Hanging Fruit – means an easy target. I was imagining mango trees with lots of raw mangoes!
  33. Meritocracy – HR junta LOVE this one. But it’s hardly followed. The least expected one gets promoted all the time.
  34. Out of Office – the happiest  of all terms! Means Boss inniki leave!! :D
  35. Paradigm Shift – From Balaguruswamy to Any other Swamy – everybody thinks they sound like business leaders when they use this term.
  36. Performance Oriented – or action oriented. I don’t know what you are talking about.
  37. Ping – Not to be confused with the Penguin on Pogo called Pingu. Ping in their language is – drop in your ideas, I’ll make them my own.
  38. Pipeline – projects in the pipeline. It’s funny when people say “our project pipelines are full at the moment”.
  39. Push Back – not buttons; but projects. The project has been pushed back to accommodate other high priority projects.*Gasp*
  40. Ramp-up – meaning, hurry up.
  41. Reach out – Sounds like a very romantic term. It’s yet another funky term for “getting in touch” or “voicing your views”. Not like they care, but still.
  42. Roll-Out – A project once completed is rolled out. I have rolled out only mats till date.
  43. Scale up – Moving up or releasing a better version. I thought it was achieving an altitude while trekking.
  44. Scratching the Surface – doing a very basic research. Reminds me of the term – “pulling my hair out” or the tam term "Paya perandardhu".
  45. Seamlessly Merging – flawless execution.
  46. Shooting the Right Areas – remember Haywards  5000 Ad?  ;) Adhan! Adheee than :P
  47. Snapshots – not mug shots, but a one slider that has the information your client wants.
  48. Strategic – Why can’t you call it “planning”. The next best thing they come up with is – Strategic thought process.
  49. Testing the Waters – Giving it a try. They make it sound like wriggling your toes in water.
  50. Touch base – Get in touch.
  51. Turnkey Solutions – I think it’s a solution that can be run with a press of a button or like in this case turn of a key.
  52. Value addition – Think Doodhwala; remember the number of times you’ve asked him for “extra” or karuvelappalai and kothamalli at the market. Another example can be – aloe vera extracts in your shaving gel.
  53. Value chain – first there is a preposition, then you add value to it. This entire process is your value-chain. *grrrr*
  54. Wallet Share – I’m not sharing mine with you. :P Biz guys call this a break up of how much the clients spend on what.
  55. Walk you through – often used; walk you through the presentation. I never knew I could walk through something that’s electronic.
  56. What’s in Store – You make it sound like ordering something in a restaurant.
  57. Work Life Balance – again, often used; but hardly works. Lesser said the better.
  58. World class / Best in Class –Muhahahah!! Everybody wants to be the best.
  59. Your Take – like you care. But it’s really sweet when they ask you for your opinions. In this case it’s called take.

The best of all is – At the end of the day!
After reading this, I'm sure you guys understand how attentive I am in the above said meetings and all that. 
Feel free to shower your praises on me ;-)

This is my compilation. Go ahead and “do the needful” by adding your versions to it.


PS: to sort this in alphabetical order using Excel. DAMN!!
PS1: No offence meant to any of the "high and mighty" junta out there. All this is in good humor.

6 comments:

Siddharth said...

You missed "Typically". Although not a jargon, if you are not sure about something, people use this to drive home the point.

"Typically, the propensity to attrite goes down, as we go up the value chain" :P

If you don't know the stats, people typically use the word "typically"!

Meow said...

In my oppice I hardly hear these jargons!!! Funny post :D enjoyed reading a blog post after a longggggg time :)

Rachti Aggarwal said...

Quite informative post.

I would like to add 1 more jargon here MOM commonly known as Minutes of meeting which is send after every meeting. I am so sick of this term because when i was in IT industry, generally i used to make this and circulate out of the meetings that have no output just a time pass for all.

Value, efficiency, appraisal are some of the most cranky jargons.

mom

Ratnakar said...

Good one! Oh! how could you miss "take ownership". This is so often used when you would rather say (without mincing words) - "do what you are supposed to do".

Praseela Nair said...

Well written! Good one!

Praseela Nair said...

Well written! good one