Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Man and the Myth

Caution: Cheesiness Ahead!

Finding the Right One has never been easy, it has always been the case of different people; different perspectives. Growing up on a staple of SRK, Maniratnam, and Karan Johar movies; their influence over a young mind is hard to ignore. With that for a foundation, Mission Finding Nemo was formulated.

To the rationalist; he is the ultra responsible righteous young man, who has his mind and heart in the right places. Sensibility, sensitivity and sanity are important factors; a sense of humor and a funny bone are non-negotiable.  So this includes the other done to death but equally important adjectives like respectful, well-educated, caring, blah blah and blah.

To the dreamer Nemo is The One; not to be confused with Ra-One. He is the super man –A rimless glasses wearing geek who is tall, little wheatish, dreamy deep brown eyes with super clear skin and a clean shaven face. Yes, I totally lurrveee geeks. They are the ultimate manifestation of human race. From Investment Bankers to Chartered Accountants to Scientists, if you can talk a language that I can’t fathom – your awesomeness quotient goes up by a 100 times.

Being geeky is not the only qualification, there has to be more than what meets the eye. Let’s start with creativity – I totally admire and adore creative men – if you can sing / write / play a musical instrument or something that adds the vital zing factor. It would be great if you could be somebody like Farhan Akhtar from Rock-On; Investment Banker by the day, Singer during the later part of the day. But please don’t be a broke dude like Arjun Rampal in the same movie.

Playing a musical instrument is equally sexy! I don’t want you to be one of those run of the mill guitarists and plus guitar is overrated ok? Everybody from local Karthik to Actor Surya think they are Elvis Presleys in the making. I personally prefer something different and classy – Violin or Drums maybe?! Yeah, a violinist or a drummer who can sing anything from Shankarabharanam to Heavy Metal! And if you sing “Tum Ho Toh Gaata Hai Dil” and dedicate it to me, I will cry. Promise!

I have a strange fetish for - Flawless English, Impeccable Grammar and a neutral accent, no compromises will be made in this department. Not to forget Tamizh as well, please note the “zh”. I totally despise guys who pronounce Vazhaipazham as vayapayam! Same applies to English, no misplacing the pronouns and no local accent please!  After all this, if you can’t speak proper Tam-Brahm accented Tamizh – outright reject!

Next in line is etiquette and demeanor; wearing the right accessories with the right clothes. I don’t want nemo to be one of those local boys with no dressing sense. The first time I see a guy, I notice the eyes and next his footwear, weird I know. So dear Nemo, if you wear formals, make sure you wear nicely polished shoes with matching socks. If you are dressing up casually don’t wear chappals. If you do, then I will lose every ounce of respect I had for you. And I will wholeheartedly support your love for football jerseys and other paraphernalia. So you can chill in that department.

Nemo, this is another non-negotiable term in the deal; you have to be a Foodie and I mean it. If you can appreciate Beans Paruppu-usili and Vendakkai Mor-Kozhambu as much as I do, then believe me we are made for each other. I want you to be a foodie in the true sense of word, the love for food and experimentation must come from within. An added advantage would be being a little encouraging when I’m on my culinary adventures. I won’t be very appreciative if you are a picky eater, beware!

I grew up in a semi-religious and orthodox family. Over the years I’ve imbibed a lot of values and turned out to be semi-religious as well. I believe in God and Karma, it would be an add-on if you share the same value system. If you come around doing “Sandhya-Vandanam”, I think I’ll let you get away with everything else.

I love being in the company of cheerful, funny, chilled out and sensible people. Obviously, you’d have to qualify in here. It’s perfectly ok if you are not a chatterbox, but make sure you are not wooden and sullen all the time. Please feel free to crack jokes no matter how silly they are, I will surely laugh. I have this ability to laugh at a joke even after years.

If you were to live happily ever after with me, patience is one virtue you’d have to epitomize. I tend to have horrible mood swings owing to PMS or sometimes randomly. If you think you can anticipate it, trust me you will never be able to, because my folks haven’t been able to do that over the last 24 odd years, and I sincerely doubt your abilities. So, don’t push too hard, just stay calm and the storm will pass. Promise, again.

I must tell you this; it’s quite easy to make me happy – a simple bar of good chocolate or chocolate truffle cake would do. I’m really not a shopaholic; your credit card is safe. But I love splurging when I feel like it; make sure the lipsticks, eye shadows, gel liners and blushes find their way into my kitty at regular intervals and hey, don’t forget clothes and good food. Here are more brownie points; I will not nag or try to keep a constant tab on you. I will respect your space and privacy, quite unlike the others who would want to know every itsy-bitsy piece of info. Breathe easy now!

PS: Dear Nemo, I’m sure you’ve the post in depth, and I suppose you agree on most points because, none of them are difficult ones. Yes, there will be exemptions for exemplary candidates, but the mediocre ones will necessarily have to go through this filter.
PS1: Dear Nemo, I hope you liked my post and I sincerely hope you haven’t lost your way or even worse got eaten by shark.
PS2: This post was initially titled Finding Nemo, but my friend A came up with a better suggestion.
PS3: I know Nemo is the baby fish and all that, but finding the right one is tougher than finding the little fish which got lost in an ocean.
PS4: Hope you agree with me :)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Magic Squares

A couple of weeks back, my friend broke up with her boyfriend of 5yrs. The guy’s mother called of the relationship because – the horoscopes weren’t matching.

All along I’ve lived in this illusion that choosing your own guy / girl, saves you the trouble of astrologer hopping and horoscope matching. I thought that was the easiest way out, all you need to do is convince the family. Believe me Horoscopes matching for arranged marriages is even more complicated.

When my folks started looking out sometime last year, I assumed it would be as easy as choosing the right job. The veterans in this field had already warned me that the process isn’t easy, but it doesn’t take exceptionally long either. Armed with truck load of information, I was ready to Find Nemo.   Horoscope matching sounded pretty simple going by the look of it; say something like “match the following”. There were 12 squares on each side and I thought the Mama in West Mambalam would simply give a rating and say “good to go”.

That unfortunately was not the case – horoscopes / profiles started getting rejected left right and center on both sides. It made no sense to the logic loving rational brain of mine. I wanted to raise my voice and question them about the credibility of their ratings. How can a man who knows nothing about me decipher what I am and what I am capable of being by looking at 12 squares? What’s funnier or questionable is – deciding how two unconnected individuals will get along on the basis of match the following.

The answers to these questions dint convince me enough, but this is what they had to say. This matching process is a scientific one apparently. There is some truth behind their ratings and each prediction is truly unique. The confusion begins here; of the 27 stars listed out, yours will match with 14 of them and each of them with different confidence intervals.  If that’s not confounding enough, there’s more – the 12 squares that I initially mentioned. There are 9 planets in all; each of them will have specific places on your horoscope and have the ability to influence your life for good, bad and also the worst.

To add fuel to fire, they come up with intelligent stuff like “doshams”. These are nothing but good luck deficiencies in your horoscopes. And for each of this, there is always a pariharam – usually starts with harmless activities like going to a temple on a certain day at a certain time, if that fails then visit Kalahasthi to perform a Puja.  

The entire hullaballoo baffles me. How can somebody’s prediction become the gospel truth of my life? Isn’t getting married supposed to be a logical and emotional process? Shouldn’t we be concentrating more on the guy and the girl liking each other than what the random stars have in store for them? If your matching concept is fool-proof, then tell me mama, how do these matches made in heaven end in divorces? Even after 6 months, this one concept that is totally beyond me.

The parody is – I’ve started doing the same thing. Every time I look at a profile, I mentally match the horoscope looking for the right stars and planets. I still don’t agree on what these old men have to say, but right now, I have no choice but to go with the flow.
Whilst rambling, I came across this –

You know what Mr.Panchapakesan, to me you are the Anna Hazare of Match-Making. I earnestly hope the senior citizens of the Horoscope-Obessessed-Tam-Brahm Society take you a wee bit seriously. And if they do, trust me, marriages will be made in heaven.