Saturday, September 1, 2012

Bored-Restless-Aimless


Living alone according to me is a very weird concept. I know of a lot of people who tell me living alone, living on your terms is the best thing ever. But somehow that doesn’t seem to go down well with me. I wonder what these people gain out of living all by themselves. I know there are friends, relatives are probably a stone’s throw away (but who visits relatives anyway). They make it sound very idyllic.

Last night the folks left to Bangalore to attend a Wedding, Yours-truly was asked to tag along; given my indifference towards weddings, they gracefully let me out of the list. I was telling a friend V about this, the girl promptly asked me to throw a big party.

You have to believe me when I tell you that am not conditioned for this kind of a living. I hate waking up to an empty house, I think it is more than just an empty feeling – more like nothingness. I felt very aimless ok? I had no idea why I woke up at 6 in the first place. I then slept off for what seemed like a long time; only to wake up 90minutes later and still felt very aimless. So, I got down to do the usual things – lit the lamp, swept the floor outside the house, drew a scrawny looking kolam. I watered half a dozen plants, brought home flowers, knowing pretty well there is nobody to perform a Puja.

Boiled milk to make coffee and serve Ummachi* his morning milk. At this point I really missed conversation. Usually my first round of Coffee would be Appa’s second round. It felt rather odd to be making only one cup instead of two.

I was bored, restless and very aimless. To beat them, I played Venkatesa Suprabatham, Vishu Sahasranamam, Bhaja Govindam, Adityahrudayam, Shyamala Dandakam and Skanda Shasti Kavasam and the likes. Overcome with Bhakti I followed it up a Puja; rang the bell with one hand and when ahead with deevaradhanai* also. I’m so going to heaven I tell you!

If you thought only I felt empty, let me tell you that even my fridge shared my feeling. I did my bit by filling it in with lots of veggies and made the big black cooling box of whirlpool feel very happy.
Now, there were loads of veggies, idli and dosa batter, but nobody to cook for. Cooking for one is akin to eating alone at work. You know there’s yumness on your platter, but there’s nobody to share it with. See the parody?

I did spend time reading the newspapers, calling up friends, caught up with my favourite sir and started reading Rahul Dravid – Timeless steel. But the empty feeling refuses to go away. I think just having somebody around will solve the problem in my case.

I still can’t understand how people live alone and say it enriches them. I don’t think I can ever live alone. I have learnt to embrace loneliness and stone walled silence at work, but I wouldn’t want that to spill into my other life as well. The said feeling has lasted for close to two years now and I know for a fact that it is coming to an end very soon.

To be very honest, I hate being lonely more than anything else. Simply put, I’ve never stayed alone in my 25yrs of existence. And being the people’s person I am, I’d rather make do with some company than waddle in melancholy.

Coming to think of it - the biggest disadvantage of staying alone is - you have to open the door every time somebody rings the bell. 

I guess the biggest advantages of staying alone are; a) you can play music in full blast and Appa will not yell – Andha shaniyan* ah konjam anaikariya?? (Translation: Will you switch off that stupid thing?) b) You can happily sit amidst an unmade bed and dirty clothes, nobody will ask you to clean up. 

Enough said I guess.

*Ummachi - Tambrahm word for God. Even if we turn 75, we still address God as Ummachi. Go figure.
*Shaniyan - Tambrahm bad(?) word? We use it to address people affectionately too.
*Deevaradhanai - That last round of Aarthi.

PS0: What is Shaniyan in English? Is there a better substitute other than stupid thing?
PS1: I had 3 slices of brown bread and one glass of milk for brunch. I did not cook :P
PS2: I’m eating figs right out of the packet, am so lazy I tell you.
PS3: When I was googling the meaning of Shaniyan to give you a better translation, I came across a Chinese named Shaniyan and one girl's Surname was also Shaniyan. I can't stop laughing now.

Okthxbye.